Not Two Partners, But Three

Greetings Trekker,
Soon, friend wife, Miss Barbara, and I will have logged 55 years of that mysterious and mystifying relationship between one woman and one man known as marriage. Marriage… what a roller coaster of relationships, a panoply of providential “good things”, a laboratory for learning the lessons of life, a “little bit of heaven” when God hews and hones us into His likeness and love.

Marriage, a covenant of intimacy between male and female, is so ingrained in our psyche, most of us want to get married and want to stay married; we will do most anything (even rewrite the basic elements of marriage) to achieve legitimacy for our experience of it. When “it” doesn’t work, we try again and again even savoring the delicious morsels of marriage often after the deeper relationship has become permanently disabled. I smile at the exchange the Rabbi had with the woman at the well: “Woman, go get your husband.” “I have no husband.” “You’re right, you’ve struck out five times, and the chap you are having sex with is not your husband.” “Sir, you know me.” (A new unauthorized Meredith version!)

Marriage is not to be taken lightly. It is the backbone of a nation, supporting family and community and nation. (Oh, that we would look honestly behind the scenes for answers to today’s cultural dilemmas.) All the societal components that rest on successful marriage teeter, totter and topple when marriages cease to workout. I hope we all understand that marriages are very personal, but they can never be completely private. Too much is at stake when marriage as an institution fails. The vitality of any society implodes. What a shame that we cannot learn this valuable lesson of history!

The greatest lesson of all relationships in any society is that we must respect and serve one another. How we implement love, respect and serve graciously is the magic ingredient of every successful marriage. So when I heard the words of the marriage vows from my late brother-in-law 55 years ago… “for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health” (all with tears streaming down my checks as Miss Barbara smiled ever so broadly) clearly I had much to enjoy, much to learn, much to enjoin. But at last, fellow trekker, I am getting it.

Let me explain: I’ve joined the “service brigade” the last few days in my marriage as never before. And it has been oh so good for me to serve my wife totally… her needs, not mine; her agenda, not mine; her desires, not mine; her timing, not mine! You see trekker… a couple of weeks ago Miss Barbara had total right shoulder replacement surgery. It is disabling, painful, etc. And she is right handed! Hospitals don’t keep you but overnight; husbands keep you for a lifetime. So, I have become errand boy, houseboy, good boy… and every other kind of boy imaginable. It has been interesting, joyful, hard work. “Man works from sun up to sun down, woman’s work is never done.” Now I really know, because I’ve been there, done that.

I am learning anew, true love is sacrificial, serving, caring and intentional. I am being refined. Love and service surely clean up and purify life. The red book on marriage is in St. Paul’s writing to the church at Ephesus, Chapter 5. (Read it all with this writing.) Amazing that the backdrop of virtually all marriage discussion by the apostle is God’s love for His bride, the church. God provides, purifies, and performs for His Body, His bride. Our caring love must be no less. Real love cherishes and cares for the one loved. It does not have to gain anything or to satisfy itself. William Barclay says it well: “There is something wrong when a man regards his wife, consciously or unconsciously, as the one who cooks his meals and washes his clothes and cleans his house and trains his children. He must regard her, not as a kind of permanent servant, but as the one person whom it is his duty (and I add privilege) to cherish (and therefore serve and honor)!

Trekker, the last few days, a lot of things have “hit home” for me. How blessed I am to submit to my wife’s character and needs in this way. How blessed that our love demands no less and is indissolvable and unbreakable. ”For this reason (to love, to serve, to grow and glow), a man leaves his father and mother and cleaves (clings) to his wife, “till death do us part.” Miss Barbara and I are one flesh. Can you imagine trekker, this woman REALLY loves this old goat! (I know, some of you are shaking your head with a smile on your face as you read this!) But we are united in this life, just as the members of our physical body are united to each other. I am no more separate from her, nor she from me, than I can dismember my own body.

Interestingly, St. Paul’s writing was in a culture when Greek (and Roman) men expected their wives to run their home and care for their legitimate children, but fun and games and physical pleasure were to be found elsewhere. Having lived in modern Greece for five years, I can attest little has changed in this sphere over the last couple thousand years. Greek male friends could never understand why I had not, nor desired to, cheat on my wife! Amazing! (In modern day Greece, if all Greek men started paying their taxes and began being faithful to their wives, an unprecedented revolution would transform their country.) Maybe the USA, too.

Marriage, as Paul repeatedly suggests, is a relationship, which to be successful, must be “in the Lord” and “unto (for) the Lord’. It is bathed in the presence and aroma of Christ. Every moment of marriage is governed by God. Every decision is directed by and to the Lord. Barclay says it well: “In Christian marriage there are not two partners, but three, and the third is Christ.”

Trekker, let’s “do ourselves a big favor” and love our wives, 24/7.
Jim Meredith