Dear Trekker,
I received a telephone call recently from a long time trekker, a military brother who knows me well. It was an affirming call, a “pick-me-upper.” But he said one thing that definitely got my attention. “Brother Jim, you know, grief is normal, and it can last up to one to two years following the death of a spouse.” I had heard that before, but on this phone call, I really heard it. Grief, what a reality! Grief is ever present. It is not something you conjure up!
Psychology tells us grief is a normal emotion following particularly “deep and poignant distress.” Could anything be more deep and poignant then the loss of one’s mate…yes, even into the arms of Jesus, after praying the same for many, many years? I haven’t experienced it till now.
Psychology outlines five phases of grief: 1) denial, 2) bargaining, 3) depression, 4) anger, 5) and lastly, acceptance. I find these phases intriguing as I am living “in grief” these days. I don’t think the “phases” fit me too well! First, I am neither in shock or denial! Remember, I have prayed for years my sweetheart would never be alone in this earthly life again. There was enough loneliness as a little girl; I didn’t want her to suffer such fate again. God answered my prayers as I prayed them. He “elected” before the beginning of time to take his daughter Barbara home March 6, 2021; my free will prayers became a “means” to that end, also ordained before time. Divine election and man’s choice always work together… somehow! Nuff on that “deep” subject!
Phase 2…”bargaining” for a different outcome…which is another form of “rationalizing the inevitable”, as in death, obviously is a nonstarter for me. Trekker, we trust God; His way is perfect; He will never leave or forsake us. Earthly life is “promised transition time,” ordained by a righteous, loving Creator and redeeming God. God is relentlessly tender as He loves and redeems us and takes us home to Glory!
Phase 3…depression could be present, but I don’t think “I am that far gone!” I grieve, but I am not “as those without hope,” I Thessalonians 4:13. The Apostle Paul doesn’t say we can or should avoid grief. Grief is a natural emotion. In grief, we move forward in hope and faith in God‘s promises.
Phase 4…anger, is indeed the downside of grief! Anger has never crossed my mind! God has answered my prayers! I am blessed; my sweetheart of a lifetime is home at last. No more falls, no more pain, no more tears…only dancing with Jesus, laughter, smiles and God’s will flooding one’s presence with Him, forever!
Phase 5…acceptance, completes the grief cycle. But like so many of man’s formulas, rationalizations, explanation etc. there is something missing if we don’t start and end with God‘s love story of redemption. I accept the outcome. How could I really desire my darling Barbara back? She has tasted Glory, she is in heaven, safe in the arms of Jesus! Home at last!
So grief is real, trekker! I am living in it, with it…and it is real! But it is a temporary emotion, which too will pass in time. Grief and anger are emotions; they are not sins of the flesh; they are realities as we sojourn through earthly life. We grieve losses; we are angry at outcomes, hopefully sufficiently to change future outcomes where man’s sin has held sway. Ephesians 4:26ff give excellent counsel: “In your anger do not sin…a direct quote of the Apostle Paul from Psalm 4:4! Ephesians 4:30 is most instructive: “And do not grieve the Spirit of God with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption.” Friend wife’s day of final redemption is now complete. I must not grieve the Holy Spirit as I live through my grief!
Yes, grief is real! The incarnate Jesus, the man/God, lived through grief. He wept over Jerusalem and grieved its non-acceptance of the promised Messiah; He grieved the loss of a good friend Lazarus and demonstrated His victory over death by bringing Lazarus back to earthly life. Grief is real, yet we cannot traverse its boundaries alone! Oh what a friend we have in Jesus! All our sins and griefs to bear. What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! I am needing to do this, trekker! Thanks for your prayers on my behalf…your cards, emails, phone calls and well wishes for my future. You are loved by brother Jim.
On a different note, I am enjoying reading a lot these days. One thing is…I have “rescued” some of Barbara‘s books sitting on her reading stand by “her reading chair” in our living room. Barbara was a great one to “re-read” books she had previously read. She would underline heavily; her books were virtual journals as she noted prayer requests and answers with names and dates. One favorite author was Brennan Manning, the renegade Catholic priest. She loved his books and tapes, which she would read/listen to over and over again. Barbara didn’t mind repetition! It was a companion to discipline of her spirit. One of the books was a reprint of an early Manning book, The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus.
While reading this book in recent days, I believe the Holy Spirit revealed to me the secret of this loving, gentle, listening, nonjudgmental woman. She had absorbed in her earthly being the relentless tenderness of Jesus. She loved people as “I have loved you,” the new commandment Jesus gave his disciples in John 13:34. The Holy Spirit did indeed conform sweet Barbara into his image. She loved the phrase “Jesus with skin on!” She was an unconscious member of the “race of little Christs.”
Barbara was a daughter of joy! Her favorite book of Scripture was Paul’s letter to the Philippians! I read and re-read the entire book to her time and time again in her last months of earthly life. The relentless tenderness of Jesus produces the blossoms of joy in one’s heart. This fragrance of joy seemed to permeate Barbara’s life. She exuded love, joy, peace and understanding! Barbara was a mystic, living (and enjoying) one day at a time in a state of preparedness for the fullness of the Kingdom to come on earth as it is in heaven. She lived these words of Paul: “Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again! Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. (My how she lived this daily!) The Lord is near. (Oh so near was He to her!) Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition (She was a prayer warrior) with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:4-7).”
A grieving yet grateful trekker!
Your friend,
Jim Meredith
